Woman, please.  The idea of a Safety Guy is pretty evil.

Oh, you know the guy I’m talking about; that guy that you let take you out on dates, that buys you flowers “just because,” that is clearly falling in love with you, but that you’re just not THAT into.

You know him as your Safety Guy.  He’s handsome, but not overly hot; financially independent, but not rich; funny, but not Louis C.K.-funny (I love Louis C.K.).  And if all else fails with the hottie lawyer, doctor, PR guru, or insert-power-job-here, at least you’ll have Safety Guy to fall back on, right?  No, you’ll never have to worry about being alone, thanks to Safety Guy!

I used to date a girl who had a Safety Guy.  I was managing a bar in Spain and she was teaching English.  Safety Guy was one of her students who had a HUGE crush on her – he brought her flowers to every private tutoring session, bought her dinner, invited her to “go for a walk along the river” while she tutored him, etc.  And after each lesson, she’d come over to my place and I’d screw her silly.  Poor, poor Safety Guy…

Yes, the cliché of “He’s Just Not That into You,” also exists for women (this issue was also recently addressed on the TV show, “How I Met Your Mother,” referred to as, “keeping someone on the hook”).  Men will date a girl just to meet their physical needs (read: sex), but most men will at least be honest if you ask them, “Hey, is this just sex?”  Somehow, I feel the way women treat Safety Guy is a little more evil…   Believe it or not, Safety Guy has feelings, too (Prick him, does he not bleed?).  Am I the only one who thinks using someone emotionally could potentially be more dangerous than using someone physically?

Ladies, if you don’t see a future with a man, fine – then stop seeing him.  I think after two or three dates, if you know that it’s not going anywhere, either stop seeing the guy, or let him know, “Hey – this is fun, but I don’t see a future here.”  It’s not right to string Safety Guy along, keeping him at arm’s length, but not letting him move on with his life, either.  So, Woman, Please – let Safety Guy go and find a woman that is actually as into him as he is into her.

This column is written anonymously by dudes for dudes and ladies too. Questions and comments to Woman Please can be sent by email to womanplease@gmail.com on Twitter at @woman_please or on our Facebook page at Woman Please.

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In the past 3 weeks I’ve gone out with 6 different men, some of them multiple times. I recently joined a dating website because I’m bored. This seems like a good way to spend the end of a long MN winter.

Internet dating is like any other type of dating: you win some, you lose some. The odds are perhaps slightly better with online dating because you can filter out a lot of people who you probably won’t click with. However, I still find my fair share of weirdos & hopeless cases despite the fact I have my wits about me. The re-occuring theme with my recent internet dating activity has been the cars these guys drive. Three out of the 6 guys have driven fancy, luxury cars.

Making out in heated leather seats on a cold MN night is pretty hot. So far I’ve made out in a new Lexus, a BMW, and a Mercedes that costs more than I make in a year. I’m not materialistic, but I’m no stranger to nice things. Though, this is beginning to seem over the top.

When Mercedes Man came over for dinner on our 3rd date I was terrified he wouldn’t want to park his car on the slightly ghetto street I live on. He seemed a tad nervous until he looked out the window & remarked, “Oh! I can see my car from here.”

The thing is about this, the sterotype is that women want to date men who have nice cars.  One need not look further than “AskMen.com” to get a depressing point of view (from the male side) of what women are looking for in a man:

“When it comes down to men and dating, most women will admit that they’re looking for a caring, romantic, sensitive, responsible, monogamous and good-looking man. But they forget to add a convertible sports car and other such materialistic things to their wish list.

There was a time when I believed that women did not care about the kind of car a man drives. But I quickly discovered how wrong I was. For those of you still wondering whether the car a man drives is a key factor in attracting women, the answer is a big YES.”

In my case this couldn’t be further from the truth.  I went on internet dating sites just to find people to date, have some fun, and possibly find a connection.  Ending up dating men with fancy cars was just a weird side effect of the internet dating experience that I neither sought out or much care about.  The most interesting thing about it has been how dating guys with fancy cars makes me feel about myself and my own self admitted lack of fanciness.  I found myself self conscious about the street I live on which has never bothered me before, just because the guy I was with had a Mercedes parked outside.  Is this something I am really looking for in my life?  Not really.

So yes.  I will kiss you in your fancy car, but if you are looking for more than that from me we will have to see if you really need to be keeping that car after all.

This singles column is written anonymously by ladies about experiences on the Twin Cities dating scene. Questions and comments to Single Twin Cities can be submitted via email to single.twincites@gmail.com, on Twitter to @singletwincity, and on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/SingleTwinCities .

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Hi fearless readers!  This is JudyJudyJudy here to announce yet another super exciting column on my website.  There has been something missing on this blog.  A hole that needs to be filled so to speak.  And who better to do that than my best dudes?  You may not believe this, but I have always been a guy’s girl.  It is a great thing.  Not only do the dudes get to hear the woman point of view from me, I always get to have the opinion of a dude. It would be selfish of me to keep these dudes to myself.  Being the loving, giving, person that I am, I have talked the dudes into writing a column for you.  And now I give you, “Woman Please”.

I am going to write the first “Woman Please” to prove why a column such as this needs to exist on my blog.  Last week I launched “Single Twin Cities” on the website written.  “Single Twin Cities” is written by a few of my lady friends.  The wonderful Christina Cordova wrote about the column on Secrets of the City.  After that the comments went crazypants.  I think at this point it is better just to show you what happened.

Here is what Christina wrote about “Single Twin Cities” in Secrets of the City:

Here are some of the comments that followed:

Ok, Rat? That is your name?  Rat?  Yeah, we watched Sex and the City. Ten year ago, when it came out.  And guess what?  We didn’t feel empowered by it.  Guess what else?  It didn’t make anyone write this blog post.  Guess what else?  This blog post has nothing to do with acting out the creepy qualities in men.  And neither does Sex and the City.  And guess what else?  I don’t think the men I hang out with are creepy either.  You know who I think is creepy?  People who comment on Secrets of the City who call themselves Rat.

Right. Aliecat.  Once again.  Women who are having sex like men.  Who is having sex like a man?  I don’t think anyone in the “Single Twin Cities” column was having sex like a man.  Thank god we now have “Woman Please” so we can really see how men are having sex so I never have to suffer through bullshit comments like yours again.

My all time fav!  Maryanne.  So, this woman is pissed and (somewhat) anonymous.  Why is it telling that she is hurt by this?  Why would a man be elated?  Why would he respond accordingly?  Why are you the one who knows all of this while the writer of the column is such a stupid idiot that she can’t see it?  Well, now with dudes writing “Woman Please” we will get to see how men act in dating situations and we won’t need a wise sage like Maryanne to comment for us.

I don’t know know if you guys noticed this or not – but with the exception of Rat (who I am pretty sure is a female) the people who posted these comments about the lady writer of the “Single Twin Cities” column were all female.  To this I only have one response.  Woman please!

You can reach Woman Please by email at womanplease@gmail.com on Twitter at @woman_please or on our Facebook page at Woman Please.

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I am going to admit this up front.  I don’t go to baseball games.  I didn’t even know what a Dome Dog was.  But upon finding out what a “Dinger Dog” was yesterday on Facebook via Adam Gislason’s Facebook status I had a true “WTF?” moment.  I am just going to let the Facebook comment stream speak for itself.

I have to say, it wasn’t even a Freudian slip.  I actually thought I read Dinger Dong.  Because the name of the new hot dog at Target Field sounds that pornographic to me.  The description of the “extra-long pork and beef dog” provided by the Star Tribune didn’t help things.

Seriously, like everybody in Minnesota isn’t going to be calling this the “Dinger Dong” from here on out.  Seriously.

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Hi guys! I’m back after taking last week off due to travel.  I have a lot of advice to give this week and had a lot of fun answering all of your questions.  Let’s just get right to the good stuff.

This first questions came to me via Twitter and is about personal hygiene:

Next I gave out some advice on my Facebook page.

I don't like the Red Queen

I like the White Queen

It seems as if my advice about being a Sparkly Princess from an earlier column is catching on.  It turns out that Neil Patrick Harris was a Sparkly Princess this year at the Oscars!

NPH is a Sparkly Princess!

Questions to Tuesday can be submitted via email to asktuesday@gmail.com, on Twitter to @asktuesday, and on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/AskTuesday

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Karl Rove has a new memoir out titled Courage and Consequence.  In it he tells the story of how he became so passionate about politics and wanting to fight liberalism to the bitter end.  One story gives particular insight into the man who many believed is the puppet master behind the modern Republican Party.  At the age of nine in 1960 he was a self professed political nerd and wanted Nixon to beat JFK in the upcoming Presidential election.  He decided to put a Nixon bumper sticker on the basket of his bicycle.  That was until, get this, a little girl from his neighborhood who was a JFK supporter decided to beat the stuffing out of him bloodying his nose and his ego.  Rove describes the incident as, “losing his first political battle” and says he, “never liked losing a political fight since.”

In an article about this subject the Gawker asks, “Who was this leftist girl child to give him a bloody nose?  We must find this girl and make her into a folk hero  … The little girl knew not what she did, that her fists would launch a thousand campaigns and a war in Iraq. All she knew was that Karl Rove was a snot-nosed punk and she could take him down with one hand tied behind her pigtails. And for that, we salute her.”

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Check this story out – a college atheist group is offering students pornography in exchange for Bibles.

Atheist Agenda calls the exchange “Smut for Smut,” generally pissing everybody off and prompting prayers and protests from Christian students at the University of Texas San Antonio campus.

Student Monica Cornado says it’s offensive to compare pornography to “the Word of God.”

University officials say the atheist group has the right to conduct the swap. Sounds like a good opportunity to me to upgrade your porn collection through the Bible exchange hierarchy.

Here is the Fox New clip about the story.

***ALERT*** Stay tuned for the last 30 seconds. Megyn Kelly’s lawyer totally knows his porn.

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There is a new taste sensation that is apparently sweeping San Francisco that you can only order at McDonalds during the window when they are changing over from the breakfast menu to the standard menu.  Bow down to the power of the Mc10:35 a feat of awesomeness that is achieved by combining the Egg Muffin and the Mc Double.  I found out about the Mc10:35 by reading The Consumerist.  The writer gives instructions on how to order a Mc10:35 as follows:

“I heard about this from a cashier at one of the local McDonald’s. He said it’s getting kind of a cult following in San Francisco.

1. Go to McD’s right when they are transitioning from breakfast to lunch.

2. Order one of the remaining Egg McMuffins from the breakfast menu and also order a McDouble since the lunch menu is now open.

3. Take the egg and Canadian bacon from the Egg McMuffin and put it on the McDouble.

The guy at the register said people call it a Mc10:35 because that’s pretty much the only time you can pull this off.

They’re damn good when hungover!”

That’s it Twin Cities, don’t let SF be the only metro area in the country that is enjoying the secret Mc10:35.  Get loaded, show up at McDonalds mid morning, and order up some magic!

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I don’t watch the Food Network.  Ever.  In fact, I don’t even have cable TV so it isn’t even an option for me.  This is why I just found out yesterday Sandra Lee was a person who exists on the planet.  And Sandra Lee Semi-Homemade is an actual TV show.  That gets made.  And put on TV.  And I guess actual people may watch it.

I found out about this piece of crap because I was at a restaurant at lunch that had a giant TV on and that was playing the Food Network.  It kept catching my attention because there was this wacked out cooking show on with some lady all dressed in pink in a kitchen that matched her outfit that looked more like a play kitchen than a real kitchen.  The real kicker was that she was showing us (the viewers) how to make sandwiches with cream cheese and strawberries.  No joke.  Like she took bread out of a plastic sleeve, spread cream cheese on it, then put strawberries on it.  Oh yeah, and she put jam on the bread too.  I’m like, “OMG! Does anyone need a cooking show for this?  Really? Really?”  I am convinced that only men who are laid off and home alone are watching this like some kind of fetish soft porn.   Because on Semi-Homemade, Sandra Lee only seems to do things that should be common sense. Take the canned pie filling, put it in the store bought pie crust and bake? You need a show to tell you that?

Here is one of her most famous episodes, where she shows you how to take a store bought angle food cake and turn it into a Kwanzaa cake monstrosity.  If you are wondering if this clip is worth watching the answer is YES!

I have an idea for a new cooking show if anyone from the Food Network, or any other network is out there paying attention.  I am going to take it even further than Sandra Lee and Semi-Homemade.  See, I don’t cook at all, not even Semi-Homemade, but I am really good at ordering out.  I want to have a cooking show called Judy Takes It Out.  It would be me in a kitchen, wearing some kind of silky robe, and I would use my iPhone to order take out.  Then when the take out guy got there I would pay him.  I would then spend the rest of the show arranging the food I ordered on plates and making it look nice.  While I was waiting for the food to come I could make cocktails and talk on the phone to my friends.  I am absolutely convinced this show will be a huge hit.  What are you waiting for Food Network?  Call me now!

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If a bracket of prospects of awesomeness was created, by process of elimination the last single gal standing would be my pal @nokie. Blessed with enviable gorgeousness, sky blue eyes, uber brains, and heart for days, this small-town girl is amazing beyond measure.

nokie

She is the friend in our group who is always kind, asks you how you are doing, is a peacemaker and gives everyone the benefit of the doubt.  She is the first to say yes to any charitable endeavor be it a golf tourney in Las Vegas to a gala in Minneapolis.

By day, @nokie is a nurse anesthetist at the world’s premier medical facility. Yes, that’s what I said. Highly respected for her work with pediatric patients, she has calmed the pre-op fears of children from Qatar to Kansas. Remember those eyes I mentioned? Looking over her surgical mask, they are beacons of assurance, and her calm voice soothing. See, @nokie is the last person some of these kids see before they drift off to sleep, and unfortunately for some the last person they ever see. On top of her day-to-day compassionate actions, she has even donated weeks of vacation time to assist surgical missions repairing cleft lips in impoverished countries. Did I mention she helps separate conjoined twins sometimes too? Yes, that’s right. I didn’t stutter. Heart of gold. Skills of an ace.

An active gal, she LOVES to golf in the summer and snowboard in the winter with trips to the gym in between. Another hobby is her love, okay minor obsession, with watching tennis. She’ll block out time in her social calendar to watch the Opens on TV or live in Flushing Meadows. And even though the crush on Andy Roddick didn’t work out like she hoped, she still believes in love.

She is such a good catch that I have threatened to manufacture pills that I can slip into our drinks, thus turning us both gay and madly in love with one another. But alas, some other very lucky person, a gent of the highest of caliber I hope, will get to wake up next to this beautiful heroine as his mate. Whoever gets to put a ring on it, will have hit the jackpot.

Until then, we’ll add this to the Single Twin Cities FAQs: How is this woman single?

Editors Note from JudyJudyJudy: I went to Junior High with @nokie and can also say I agree with the above stated question, how is this woman single?

This singles column is written anonymously about experiences on the Twin Cities dating scene. Questions and comments to Single Twin Cities can be submitted via email to single.twincites@gmail.com, on Twitter to @singletwincity, and on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/SingleTwinCities .

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