The Twin Cities Not-So-Sexy List

It’s the time of year when Valentines is close and love is in the air.  People are talking about romance and many Twin Cities publications are making lists of sexy things to do, even lists of the Sexiest Twin Citians. The problem is, here in Minnesota, we are not particularly very sexy up in here.  We are really not sexy this time of year in the throws of winter with snow up to our eyeballs and bad fashion choices all around.  Our population is known for being passive aggressive, hard to get to know, and likewise really hard to date.  There is a reason we ended up as #46 on the Best & Worst Cities to Find Love list with a “D” for singles and an “F” for marriage.  So, instead of doing a Valentines list about how “sexy” we are and what the “sexy things” are to do around town are, I thought I would give you a Twin Cities Not-So-Sexy-List.

Thank you to everyone who sent me messages on Facebook and Twitter about horrible dating experiences in the Twin Cities.  I have used pieces of these messages to compile this list of what makes single life in the Twin Cities Not-So-Sexy.

The Hipster Dude With The Dirty Apartment

There were a lot of women who seemed to have an experience like this.  What at first seems likes an exciting and good looking guy turns into a nightmare once you get taken back to his place.

Here is how it started:

“At the time, everything was sort of sexy about this extremely sketchy individual. Upon showing a picture to a friend, her reply of ” I think he needs to take a shower.”, should have been my first warning. My reply, “but this is what they call ‘hipster’, and he’s great in bed”.

Here is what happened when she saw his apartment:

“After stepping over two pizza boxes in the foyer to use the bathroom, I couldn’t tell if there was a black rug on the floor or if it was hair. After I saw the horrid state of the sink, I knew that every white surface was covered in a thick covering of dude hair. Oh, then I asked for a glass of water, and despite 40 non-matching coffee mugs of the promo give-away variety stacked in the sink, I learned that non of them were clean and he had run out of dish soap. So yep, I had to bend over an sip outta facet. OHHHH, then in his room, his entire bedside table was covered in remnants of a bout with the flu – various over-the-counter cold remedies, crusted OJ in a glass, a thermometer, aspirator, & balled up used snag rags strewn all over the floor.”

Yeah, that’s not so sexy.  Sometimes when you think you win you really lose.

The Chick Who Dated A Guy For T-Wolves Tickets

Guys, have you ever dated a lady that seemed like she just wasn’t that into you?  Yet every time you brought up the season tickets you had to the Timberwolves she was really hot for your package all over again?  Well, maybe she was just using you for the seats.  This one came to me from another friend.  It goes something like this:

“Not so sexy: a friend of mine kept dating a guy she didn’t like just for the perks – T-Wolves tickets, dinners paid, etc. She finally broke off when we all chided her for trampling all over this guy for a free ride.”

I think Kanye describes this situation best in his song “Gold Digger“.

Picnics In The Park Gone Wrong

It seems like such a romantic idea.  Plus in Minnesota when the weather is nice we really like to take advantage of it and get outside.  Somehow we still mange to make a mess of the simple picnic date here in the Twin Cities.

I love how my friend actually outed herself with this lovely story:

“I once went on a picnic with some guy as a first date. It was at a location 2.5 hours away. I packed the food. There were dried apricots that I couldn’t stop eating. Yeah, they tore up my colon pretty bad. We had to drive back with the windows down and stop for bathroom breaks a few times. I almost shit my pants. The only thing that would have made that day worse is if I actually had.”

This is actually not sexy at all.

And here is another story that should have been romantic but is just awful instead:

“Took an aide to Mayor Al Hofstede to see the 4th of July fireworks at Powderhorn Park, ca. 1974. She fell asleep on the grass.”

Yeah, she fell asleep.  With the fireworks and everything.  Not so sexy.

Sooooooo Drunk That It Just Gets Gross

Have you ever gone out with someone only to get on the date and watch them transform into a drunk monster?  Have you ever been dating someone for a while and then one night get blindsided by super drunkpants out of the blue?  Really, this can happen to anyone.  And yes, it happens in the Twin Cities.

This poor guy is a drunk chick magnet:

“1st date w/girl. She puked red wine in a bar, carried her to cab, puked in cab, puked on herself and my floor. Diff. date, also a 1st date: went golfing. Drunk when I picked her up, she drove cart into sand trap.”

Can you get a DWI while driving on a golf course?

This story about what happens to a girl while sleeping over at the place of the hipster dude she is dating is as epic as it is horrifying.  I mean really, holy crap:

“I’m asleep. I’m awake! I’m freezing……..I’m shivering……. there is no top sheet…… where is it?…….I’m really shivering, let me grab the crusty comforter…..wait…… it is….. WET!…… I’m wet………lift up comforter…..I am laying in a river of piss only a 24 pack of PBR could have created. Review my options. There is no other piece of furniture that I could transfer myself to, as there is no furniture and it’s 10 below outside. If I leave for my car, I will be a urine popsicle.

Nudge hipster dude. He is clearly horrified. Thank god. He strangely instructs me to “stand back”. Praise Jesus….new linens, maybe even a mattress pad, or a secret room with a king size serta with 1000 thread count egyptian cotton. I am naked at this point, my nipples could cut fine gems. In tarzan fashion, hipster picks up mattress over his head, throws it down to land on it’s other side, (which you and I all know has to be infested with last night’s piss). Hops into bed and motions me to join him, on this “new side”….. no sheets, no blankets, nothing.”

What is the guy supposed to do next time? Wear a pull-up?  Really, that is not so sexy.

Guys Wearing Footie Pajamas To The Bar

In case you don’t believe me I am telling you right now, this really happened.  It really did.  I was at the Lyndale Tap House with my gang watching the Vikings / Saints game a few weeks ago.  I got up from the table.  The place was packed.  Some guys came into the bar.  They were wearing footie pajamas and robes.  One of them sat down in my seat while I was gone.  It went down something like this:

My friend (to guy in Footie PJ Guy): Someone is sitting there, you probably don’t want to sit there.

FPJG (Footie PJ Guy): That’s ok, I’ll move when they get back.

My friend: I don’t think you understand, you really don’t want to be sitting there when this person gets back, it’s just not a good idea.

FPJG: I think I can handle it.

My friend: I don’t think you can, but what ever.

(time passes, I come back, I see FPJG, I can’t freakin’ believe these guys, can’t believe one of them is in my seat.)

Me: What the hell are you wearing?

FPJG: Pajamas.

Me: What kind of pajamas?

FPJG: Footie pajamas.

Me: Why in the world a grown man ever where footie pajamas, let alone leave the house in them, let alone show up to a bar to watch football in them? What the hell is wrong with you? I mean really? And then you sit in my seat?

My friend: Judy, ok, he doesn’t know what he’s doing, that’s probably enough, can he go?

Me: Yeah, ok, as long as we don’t have to look at that anymore.

Tags: dating, dating horror stories, Footie Pajamas, Gold Digger, Hippster, Kanye West, Lyndale Tap House, Minneapolis, Minneapolis Dating, Timberwolves, Twin Cites Dating, Twin Cities, Twin Cities Not So Sexy, Twin Cities Sexy, Winter not sexy

This entry was posted on February 9, 2010 at 8:33 pm and is filed under TwinCities. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.